Friday, July 28, 2006

Blow Up Your Microwave

So when a microwave blows up it is a bit like when a car engine blows up. I have been driving two separate cars as their engines have pretty much blown up. One was on a new engine in a 240 Volvo and which had a faulty casting of the nozzle for the oil return line (snapped off, dropped all the oil). That was smoky but wasn't loud or immediate, so it didn't really blow up. The other was my XD Falcon, sitting on 100km/h on the freeway and one of the cylinder linings broke away from the block.

aRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL BOOM! chunka chunka...

When a microwave blows up, as I found out tonight, it is a lot more like the XD Falcon's engine letting go at 100km/h than the Volvo's whimper. I was half expecting something like this to happen, because my microwave made some nasty sounds anyway. It had made 'broken' sounds ever since I bought it. I just assumed it was meant to make those sounds cause it was a cheap ass microwave? When my brother came over he tried to use it once when I was out and when I came back he was all sheepish looking and apologetic cause he thought he had broken it. Think about that for a second, something that sounds broken when it is working. Is this not evidence of theway technologies shape our perceptions? I had to explain to him that it always sounded like this.

NERRRRRRR NERRR NER NER NER NERRRRRRR!

I was looking forward to watching one of my favourite movies of all time, 28 Days Later, on the telly tonight. It was an opportunity to get a few hundred more words on the screen before it came on as the 11pm late movie. I did my writing (Mad Max!), so I walked down to the corner shop before it closed and bought some popcorn, you know, the kind you cook yourself in the microwave. It wasn't the first time I had used the microwave tonight. Ealier, I had reheated tonight's dinner from last night's left overs (beef stir fry, rice), and I actually had two bowls cause it was very nice and I was hungry.

Sitting down in my special chair and getting excited about the movie and some nice hot popcorn, my microwave started making its cooking sound and building up even more anticipation....

NERRRRRRR NERRR NER NER NER NERRRRRRR! BOOM! chunka chunka...

WTF?

...NERR...

OH MY GOD! The microwave! IS ON FIRE! and yet...

NERRRwaaaahooooo clunka chunka

ITS STILL COOKING!!!

NERRRrwaaa...

I leapt from my special chair and my whole fire fighting life flashed before my eyes. Hmmm. None of this information helped me, so I ripped out the power cord! The tragic microwave allowed its glass plate to rotate half way round one last time and then the terrible sound ceased. A wave of dread accompanied the silence as I realised...

THE FIRE IS STILL BURNING!

I looked on through the now-smokey reinforced plate-glass of the microwave's front door. The embers of the electrical fire slowly reduced to a dull glow. They were the remains of a funeral fire lit by my little microwave. A tribute of self-combustion in its last dieing efforts to serve me some piping hot butter-flavoured microwave popcorn. Oh, my good little commodity!! My gaze was heavy, full of sadness. It was one of the first things I bought in Sydney. Its sound although horrendous and not unlike a couple of Darleks talking dirty while copulating (ok, one Darlek masturbating) made it rather unique. It was a familiar sound, something that defined where home was for now. Poor microwave! Sometimes it was the only noise I'd hear all day made by something else besides me. Well, that is a lie, my computer beeps at me, too.

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